Moorings, 3 months

Rooting ourselves as we travel in grief

My pain rises up within me saying to my soul,

"there is no saving power for you,"

But You are a shield all about me,

You tenderly lift my head

Excerpts, adaptations Psalm 3

Symbol for Sustenance at this time:

Magen David

Imagine the Magen David, symbol of soul, coming to you now, offering protection during this time when you are vulnerable.

It shields you from all directions, north, south, east, west, above and below, holding you safely in it's center.

The Third Month of Bereavement

The numbness and sense of being frozen starts to recede now.

Your initial support circles may have worn thin. You may have a new sense of having to go it alone.

You may have experienced others discomfort with grief, experienced pressure to "get over it."

Knowing about the process of grief can prevent you from putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. Take this year to walk as mourner.

Every season, every holiday is now different.

Your world is different.

Take the space you need to mourn.

• Common Grief Reactions and Tips on Coping:

• Confusion and difficulty concentrating:
• You've many feelings and thoughts swirling now. It's natural to feel confused and overwhelmed. Absorbing information takes more time now. Focusing attention can be difficult. Simplify your schedule. Give yourself more time to accomplish things. Don't push yourself to concentrate. Your attention is literally called elsewhere.
• Some fear they are losing their memory, fear they are falling prey to dementia or Alzheimer's. In most cases the loss of memory is due to grief. However if this worries you, a doctor can rule out your other concerns through testing. Be sure to include the testing of your level of B vitamins.
• Forgetfulness is a natural, difficult reaction to loss.
• Practical strategies:
• Make one place where you put your keys, glasses, and calendar
• Write every appointment in your calendar as soon as you make it.
• Write reminders on stickies and post them on your refrigerator door.
• Some things just shift. People who love reading may find themselves not absorbing what they read. Their tastes may change completely for a while. Painters may find it difficult to paint, writers, difficult to write. Much is in flux now and will shift again in time.

• Need to retell the stories:
• Many children who suffer trauma instinctively tell the story over and over until they have integrated it. You too may experience the need to tell and retell of your loved one's illness, death and dying time. You may also find yourself needing to return to sort and shift through memories and feelings about your loved one.
• Doing so by using a variety of different routes, journaling, emailing friends, talking with friends, family, clergy, a grief support group, through the arts, poetry, writing, speaking with a counselor, all can help you process, and absorb your loss.

• Searching:
• You instinctively may find yourself searching for your loved one. Walking down the street you may see someone who resembles them and feel your heart racing, aching.
• Your heart, body and soul take longer time than you may think to grasp and absorb the enormity of this change

• Triggering of past experiences with loss:
• Earlier losses may rise once again, even though "worked through", they may again demand your attention, to 'get it' on yet another level.
• Use your inner instinct about the type of support you need in this time.
• Triggering of family issues:

• Family issues, differences, and old resentments may also rise once more. Stress, exhaustion, change and tension can inflame that which is already delicate.
• Each person's way of dealing with hardships differ, as do their personalities, ways of mourning and timing of grief responses.
• Those skilled in family therapy and grief can be excellent resources.

Important tasks during this time:

• Take care of yourself
• You may have learned when growing up that it was selfish to think of yourself. There was an era when we were taught to take care of others, hoping that others would intuit our needs,and return care to us.This sometimes occurs and sometimes does not. This time calls for adjusting this belief.
• Self care is not selfish.
• The more you replenish your resources, the more you will have available. As you renew you will be able to give more graciously and with a fuller heart.
• When you give care when depleted, kindness can swiftly turn to resentment and anger.
• Being able to tell others what you need clearly, directly and from a calm place allows another the possibility of response.
• Keep in sight that the other may or may not be able to respond to your need at the particular time of your request.

• If you yourself aren't clear what it is you need, taking space to better discern what it is you want and need can be invaluable.

• Be aware of how you balance time:
• You may instinctively nest at home, craving quiet, and being alone. Tucking in and resting. Mourning is tiring work.
• You may find movement feels best for you and being alone stirs up memories and feelings you wish to avoid.
• Strive to keep a relative balance. Watch for becoming too isolated. Make time to enjoy the company of others.Try as well to create pockets of time alone so that you can feel and process the changes that have taken place.

• Reduce known stressors:
• Fill up your tank with gas when it gets down to a fourth of a tank.
• Give an extra key to your home to your neighbor in case you lose your key or get locked out.
• Don't take on extra tasks this year

• Plan special days in advance: holidays, birthdays, family visits, breaks
• Take initiative. Plan times to be with others, and times to rest and be alone. If no one invites you to join them at special times, invite others to join you.
• Keep it simple. When mourning energy is low and it's easy to become worn out sooner than you may think you will. Potlucks share the work load and yet allow connection.

• Be patient with yourself when taking on new roles.
• Learning new tasks that your loved one formerly took care of initially may feel overwhelming. Remember you are in a learning curve and be gentle with yourself. Cultivating patience, kindness and humor helps as you transition through the foreignness, awkwardness, mistakes and initial frustrations.
• Delegating tasks, hiring others to help who've more expertise to either do tasks for you or teach you how to take on tasks, all help.

• Telephone hug buddy
• Ask someone in advance if you can call them when times are hard. Sometimes just being able to say to another person, "I'm having a rough time, can you just give me a hug on the phone and tell me you care' can help.

• Grief Support Group or Seminar
• Mourning can be extremely isolating. Being with others who are also mourning and who understand what you are talking about can help. Gaining information, tips, perspective and caring, all hearten.
• To find bereavement groups, call your local Hospice.
• There's no shame in seeking support. It takes courage to venture out and to connect. The ultimate companionship and humor gained from group can strengthen you as you walk this route

• Asking for help
• Many of us shoulder everything ourselves. But there are times in life when you just can't do it yourself, when you need to reach out, when help is needed.
• If you are lonely then stretch to call a friend. If you need help with taxes, ask around for a good accountant. If your feelings are intense and there's no one you feel comfortable speaking with, seek a counselor or a bereavement group.
• If you've not seen a counselor before, it's helpful to get 3-4 names of people from others whom you trust. Call and ask to meet with them for a 10-15 minute consult. Think about what you need from your time together. Trust your gut and see who you feel comfortable with.

• Have realistic expectations of people who support you.
• You may feel some friends care but may not be able to listen to you. The intensity of your grief may scare or overwhelm them. They may however be wonderful companions with whom to venture out on a field-trip to a new place, or to do things with together.
• Keep in mind your differing needs and find additional sources of support for that which remains unfilled.
• Attend to unfinished business:
• Sometimes you may have feelings, thoughts or issues that you were not able to express or work through with your loved one that demand attention.
• Sometimes these are old pieces that need acknowledgment once more. Discern if you need just express them to yourself once more, or if you need to share them with a friend or counselor or bereavement group. They are yet another part of the grief work of this time.

Natural Questions and Responses

• I feel like some of my friends are avoiding me and I feel hurt by this. What can I do?

• Many people are afraid of saying the wrong things. They may not know how to respond to your grief, so may they stay away or stop calling. If this has happened with someone you care about, contact them. Let them know you've missed hearing from them. Tell them that you know some people don't know what to say when there's been a death, but that they are important to you and that you'd like to keep your connection with them.

• Often when we're most in need of support, we think others will intuitively know what to do. But often we need to tell them specifically what it is that would feel supportive at this juncture, what it is we need and want. People cannot read your mind or see into your heart.

• At the same time, some people don't feel comfortable being around others when they are experiencing intense pain or when they are in tears. You need gauge who can hold your grief and who cannot, and how and when to be with those who are uncomfortable with your intensity.

• This also means finding places that are safe and supportive wherein you can express that which needs expressing.
  

• Hospice support groups can be a source of understanding as well as valuable resources. Groups vary depending on the skills, experience, and personality of the facilitator and the composition of the group.

• What do I say when people ask me 'what can I do?'
  

• Some people ask this question casually and you can be unsure if they really want to know. Others do want to know concretely what they can do for you. Some possible ideas are:
  

• Call me every now and then to check in on me and give me a "hug" over the phone
• Let's go for a walk on the weekend
• Let's make a dinner date

• I'm worried that I may be wearing some of my friends down with my grief. They've been there for me but I'm feeling as if I'm a burden. What are ways to deal with this?
• Some may tire of hearing your sadness. They may be less available due to the stresses and strains in their own lives.
• Others may want to be there for you, and you may be experiencing your own discomfort around needing support.
• Check it out. Let them know that you're feeling that you're wearing them out from speaking of your sadness. Let them know you understand if it becomes too much for them, and that you need for them to tell you if it becomes too much for them or if they begin to feel overwhelmed by your sadness. Let them know you're thinking of differing routes for processing your grief.
  
• Again, developing a variety of ways to 'work' your grief, as well as learning the varying capacity of friends is one of the tasks of this time period.

• How do I cope with the sudden flow of tears that sometimes comes up when I'm around others. I feel so embarrassed.
• You may feel distressed by being flooded with tears. Some speak of being 'mugged' by unexpected wells of emotions. Memories and associations can be suddenly triggered by smells, music, a random comment, by being on vacation, by a certain season or holiday, or by a certain time of day.
• Tears are your natural 'rain'. Re-frame them as your body's natural way of helping you release tensions and toxins as you do your needed work of mourning.

• Sometimes when I'm with someone I want to be alone, and sometimes when I'm alone I want to be with others. Sometimes nothing feels right. And sometimes I don't know what I need until I'm in a situation and feel like it's either good or I need to leave. How do I work with this?
• Imagine your inner landscape is like the plains where the weather streams over it rapidly, constantly changing.There's just so much going on when mourning. We live on many different planes simultaneously; the practical, daily plane, the inner land of grief, the surges of lives of others whose lives intersect with ours. And with a death our landscape has altered fundamentally.
• When people ask you to join them in this time of mourning, let them know how much you appreciate their thoughtfulness and thank them for including you.
• Let them know you're feeling tender these day and ask them if they would be comfortable if you join them and then if you are having a rough time, if they would feel comfortable with your leaving their gathering earlier than planned. Let them know you don't wish to put them into a difficult situation and that you need them to guide you on what's OK for them and what is uncomfortable given their plans.
• Most people are understanding and it's not a problem. But sometimes leaving early may disrupt someone's plans.
  
• If it is a problem, do what feels best to you at that time.

And if I say,

"Surely the darkness envelops me

and the light about me is night,"

even the darkness is not too dark for You,

and the night shall shine as day,

as darkness, so is the light.

Adapted, Psalm 139:11-12

Journaling:

You are in passage. Your world has changed from what it was when you were with your loved one to a world where you are physically without them.

Your journal can be a place to express your feelings. memories, and thoughts, relieving some of the internal pressure you carry.

Your journal can carry your awarenesses, shifts, insights and changes. It can show you where you've come.

Some like to journal at a set time in the day. Some journal as feelings move them.

Your journal can serve as your companion and witness.

Some questions to journal about at this juncture might be:

What's the most challenging at this time of 3 months after your loss?

What has surprised you?

What thoughts keep circling round now inside of you?

What have you learned about yourself? others? life?

Resource for Comfort, Support:

Each evening in our tradition, we image our soul, our neshamah, flying out of our body and tucking under the wings of the Shechina, the feminine presence of God, and being watched over and safeguarded through the night.

And every morning in the traditional liturgy, there's a prayer that gives thanks for the restoration of our soul as the new day opens.

Morning prayer can aid in entering the day.

What follows is a meditation I created as preparation for the traditional prayer, Elohei Neshama:

My neshamah shines

clear, beautiful, fresh, pure.

She is my eternal light which You planted within me,

light by which I find my way.

May she guide me in this new day of life.

Elohei Neshama:

My God,

the neshamah which You placed within me

is pure.

You created her, You formed her, You breathed her into me, and

You watch over her while she is within me.

With my death You will take her from me, and

will return her to me in the future to come.

All the time that my neshamah is within me

I give thanks to You,

my God, and God of my ancestors,

Shaper of all, Source of all souls.

Blessings to You, Who returns neshamot

to those traveling in realms of death.

Although many are familiar with the prayer Adon Olam, often we sing it without attending to it's words. The last two verses I adapted, and share for special comfort in this time.

You are my God,

Alive. My Defender.

My Rock

when I am in pain and in narrow places.

You are my banner. You shelter me.

You fill my cup on the day I call.

Into Your Hand I place my spirit

when I sleep and when I wake.

And with my soul, my body.

For You are with me

and I will not be afraid.

For You are with me

And I will not be afraid

Take good care.

You may wish to prepare for the next upcoming holiday or check back with the 6th month newsletter.

Gentle walking.

Guide to Hebrew words:

Magen David Shield of David, the 6 pointed star

Neshama One of several Hebrew words that translate as soul

Shechina Refers to the feminine presence of God which dwells with

our people, staying close by

Elohei Neshama A morning prayer which translates, My God, the soul

Adon Olam Often sung both at beginning and end of prayer, meaning

Master of the world