Moorings, initial issue

Rooting ourselves as we travel in grief



I am like an olive tree in Your house
I trust in Your compassion

Adapted Psalm 52:10


Symbol for Sustenance at this time: Trees

Trees roots reach deep into the earth, offering you an anchor at this time in your life, while the Tree of Life, planted in your body, holds your soul.

These step forward as symbols for you to hold onto, to aid you now as you walk as mourner.

This Initial Period of Bereavement:

Once shivah and shloshim come to an end, you continue into a new juncture on this walk of your first year of mourning.

Initially you may feel numb, frozen. Some feel hyperactive, restless. Some feel a lingering sense of the surreal, like being in a dream.

You may find yourself going through the motions of what is needed to be done.

Sudden death is like a door slammed shut; anticipated death, a door shut slowly. You may have the feeling of both.

You are bereaved, derived from the word 'robbery'. The person with whom your life was intertwined, stolen, torn from you.

Many instinctively tuck inside.

Knowledge of what are natural grief responses can aid you in that you know that what you're experiencing is on track despite its hardships.

Some feel intense physical pain, pain in the chest, in the heart, a tightness in the throat, like a part of the body is missing.

Some lose their appetites, others gain appetite, and others experience each at different times.

Some feel numb, and just focus on the immediate tasks that need be done; the paperwork, decisions that need be made, work that must be responded to, activities that must be maintained.

Some find after the tasks from the death are completed, a thaw of feeling takes place.



I spread out my hands to You.
My soul is as a weary land.

Help me, my spirit fails. For in You do I trust.
Cause me to know the way to walk.

For to You do I lift up my soul.

-Adapted Psalm 143:6,7a,8b


Common Grief Reactions and Tips on Coping:

Classic works on grief describe grief reactions; "normal" responses to grief.

Shock and Denial:
"I can't believe this is happening" "I feel like I''m in a bad dream."

Anger, Guilt, and Regret:
"Why is this happening to me?" "Why him/her?" "If only I or s/he had done "x" maybe this could have been prevented"

Bargaining:
"If everything could just go back to normal, I promise I will..."

Tears:
"This is all too much, I just can't cope with this"

Despair, Depression, and Resignation:
"Everything seems empty. It feels like there's nothing to live for"

You may move in and out of these feelings and thoughts.
Not all are experienced by everyone nor do they neatly progress from one to the other, then left completed.

But knowing that these are natural responses to loss can enable you not be frightened by them should you experience them moving through you.

Important tasks during this time:

Rest:
Mourning takes a lot of energy. Sleep is often problematic. Watch for having caffeinated drinks after lunch time. Exercise. Take warm baths before sleep. Create an evening wind-down ritual. Try going to sleep before 10:00 p.m.

If you're worried about depression and/or sleep, consult with someone who's familiar with grief responses.

Simplify:
Attend to the basics: eating nutritiously, sleeping, exercising regularly, and doing what you need to regarding your other basic responsibilities.

Mourning is work and can feel and be like a job in itself.

Drive carefully:
Feelings and memories often rise powerfully when you drive. Many weep in their cars, forgetting momentarily where they are headed. It's easy to miss stop signs and to drive through red lights.

You are more prone to accidents this first year and your reflexes are slower. Your attention may wander.

Be extra careful when driving.

Get answers to questions surrounding the illness or time of death that you find yourself returning to again and again. If there were issues that occurred that were not OK, address these:
If you've medical questions, get the information you need.

If there were things that happened that were not OK, gather information first. Then simply and clearly write down your suggestions and concerns to several of the involved parties concerned. Note times, dates, and what occurred.

You may need to write the letter you'd like to write and then save it. Then a few days later write a letter that will be 'heard.'

At the least, this may help those who follow after you, and you will know you articulated and documented what you experienced.

Have patience with yourself:
Be as kind and understanding to yourself as you would be towards a dear friend.

Your world is different now. It takes more time than you imagine to absorb on all levels the full extent of your loss.

Some people have to learn new skills, take on new roles, and have to create new routines. The stress of these changes are great. There's a gap in your life now.

Sometimes this change requires the need to shut down for a while just to cope. This will change. Respect your need to slow, turn inward, and to stop.

Make time for your physical checkups:
Many when giving care set aside their own care. Have your annual physical. Catch up on your dental care. Look after yourself on all levels.

Refrain from making any significant changes in your life:
The golden rule is to not make any major changes this year.

Yet some people need to make changes, for example, there may be financial necessities that force a shift.

Generally this isn't a time for additional stress. Each person's situation is unique. Remember, once some changes are done they can not be undone, so move very carefully and if unsure and you are able, put off sudden decisions.

It's natural to feel a little crazy at times:
Transitions and losses can plummet us into crazy time. Previous routines may be gone. Irritability, strong emotions, and a lack of concentration are common grief responses. Some speed up with anxiety.

Our culture has a lot of misinformation and misunderstanding about grief. Even professionals who we expect to be knowledgeable about grief sometimes have a great deal of misinformation about the mourning process.

Should you feel concerned about your reactions, check them out with someone who has had significant contact with grief and mourning. The Bereavement coordinator on staff with your Hospice team is often the most reliable resource.


Turn to me and
be gracious to me
For I am all alone and afflicted
The troubles of
my heart are enlarged
Bring me out
of my distress

Psalm 25: 16,17

Natural Questions and Responses:

How can I stop the pain?

You may long for the pain to leave. Yet you know the pain need be. It stands as testimony to your relationship, the ways your life has intertwined with the person you grieve. As grief is tended, the pain lessens in duration and frequency.

Are there any shortcuts to working grief? If I work really hard can I get this grieving done more quickly?

You may long to shorten this process in heart yet know in mind grief takes its place and time. You know you need be with it, in it. You know you need it to speak to you and that it will teach you things you need for your life. You know it holds lessons, instructions, and power.

Is it normal to have nightmares and/or dreams of my loved one who died?

Some do have dreams or feel the presence of their loved one. Sometimes these are comforting, sometimes painful.

I really want to dream of or feel the presence of my loved one, but this hasn't happened. What does this mean?

Despite longing, some do not experience dreams of their loved ones nor sense their presence. Some wonder if they did something wrong that this isn't happening for them, and feel unloved as a result.

We don't understand why this does or doesn't happen, but this does not reflect on the quality of the relationship.

Sometimes I feel relief that this is over. Then I feel terrible and guilty. Is this natural?

Some have been giving care to their loved one for many days, months or years, being available and alert, on call, both day and night. Some haven't slept through the night for a very long time, just listening for their loved one, or having to wake to administer medications. Some have suffered deeply watching their loved ones in pain, not being able to give relief.

Death can be a tremendous loss as well as a relief and release. Our relationships are so complex, the times of illness so fraught with tension, anxiety and uncertainty that this process is naturally an intricate and complicated one.

I look at others around me and see they are handling their grief so differently than I am. Why is my grieving so different?

Your relationship is unique. Your time spent with your loved one, the structure of your life structures and the rhythm of your days.

Additionally each person has their own ways of coping with pain. We mourn differently at different times, and move in and out of different stages in our own unique ways. Each person carves out their own pathway.
Summon up gentleness. For yourself. And for those around you.

I feel haunted by images of my loved one when they were ill and/or dying. I want to remember them as they were in health and in my life. Are there ways of handling this?

Often the more you struggle against the pictures within you, the more they seem to stay. Take out photos of your loved ones that you love, that capture their spirits. Tell your favorite stories of them. Speak of what was dear to you about them. In time these last images will be balanced by the others and their intensity will diminish.

I didn't get to say goodbye to my loved one. There was no opportunity to tell them that I loved them.

Sometimes circumstances don't allow us to be there as we might have wanted to be. Sometimes even if present the person dying is deep into their own route and not available in ways we may want, need or hope for.

You may have to say goodbye, tell the person you loved them in the months and seasons after death. Some speak this aloud as it rises, or within as they take their morning walks. Some journal. Some speak these words to a trusted friend.

This can be an ongoing process in this time of mourning. You may need to say goodbye on many levels in these months, over and over again for different parts and aspects of your relationship and as you yourself move into different junctures of mourning.

At times I think of harsh words I said, or times of impatience during my loved ones illness or before their death and feel horribly about this. Are there helpful ways to deal with this?

We often forget the incredible pressures of having lived with illness over a long period of time, having experienced periods of extreme stress and with the ongoing lifestyle of medical problems and emergencies.

We often forget the powerful impact of the lack of sleep, the incredible tensions of having to navigate the unknown of the course of the illness, spikes of pain, and uncertainties of the dying process, for the person ill, for ourselves and for our families.

Even for seasoned health care professionals there are always the wild-cards of how things will unfold for that particular person that are just unknown until they happen.

And our loved ones too are sometimes frightened, exhausted, impacted by medication, shifting their attention elsewhere, and can be as well sometimes harsh in words.

Many who grieve pinpoint the one or several moments of their impatience with their loved one in lieu of keeping in sight the wide view, of all the times in the large picture when we were there, and gave loving care and devoted attention. It's like seeing the tiny dot on the large page.
The art now is remembering that there is an entire page there as well.

I'm very worried about my children. How can I help them with their grief?

You are their role model, teacher and guide. They will take their cues from you. Grieve in your own way. Let them see you, your sadness, your tears. Young children and teens need to hear it's OK to have sad feelings.

Welcome their questions. Children often wonder about many different things. If they ask a question, make sure you understand what they are asking before you answer. Sometimes their question may not be what it initially sounds like they are asking.

Young children often express their grief through play or art and often say quick one liners.
Children need to know that they did not cause the death through their thoughts or actions. They need to know that they were and are loved.

If they suffered the loss of a parent, often they fear the death of their surviving parent and are afraid that they will be all alone in the world if their remaining parent dies. They need reassurances that they will be cared for and that they won't be left alone in the world with no caring adult.

Groups for children and teens to work their grief with peers and in their unique ways are invaluable. Seeking Hospice bereavement groups specific to children and teens can make enormous differences.

Some teens choose to involve themselves in the arts, in music, art, writing. Some immerse themselves in sports. Some turn to their coaches, teachers, or school counselors for support. Being in touch with schools, day-care administrators and teachers is essential.

Adult children too often benefit from support.
Check your local Hospice for bereavement resources.


I have called You, make haste to me.

Psalm 141:1b


Resources for Comfort and Support:

You may feel a deep need for comfort, support, heartening, and solace.

Some of these resources may respond to what you are needing. Some may not. Sometimes nothing fits. But having these in your toolkit may aid as you walk in this time.

Poetry Collections:

Gendler, J. Ruth. Changing Light. Scranton, PA: Harper Perennial, 1991
Oliver, Mary. Dream Work. NY: The Atlantic Monthly Press, 1986
Sewell, Marilyn. editor, Cries of the Spirit. Boston: Beacon Press, 1991
Wood, Nancy. Many Winters. NY: Doubleday, 1974

Daily Brief Meditations-readings about grief:

Hickman, Martha Whitmore. Healing After Loss. NY: Avon Books,1994.

The arts: music, art work, crafting:

Many find moving into sound, color, contact with medium of clay, wood, paint, wool, herbs, journaling, writing poetry, offers a route to immerse in expression.

Time in nature:

For some nature sooths, comforts. A daily walk outside, moving, feeling the air stir may give something. Observing the skies, the changing seasons may infuse the day with beauty, touch heart and soul. The psalmist long ago understood this well.

Spiritual Resources:

Our traditions, rhythmic rituals can offer healing: daily prayer, weekly shabbat observance, the monthly marking of the approaching new moon, and the seasonal teachings of each holiday.

Some who mourn have rich Jewish connections in a spiritual community. Some haven't yet found a place in the Jewish community where they feel nourished and feel too vulnerable or weary to seek community at this time. Others feel displaced from where they formerly "belonged." While yet others find this time offers a spiritual doorway for return and exploration.

Some wrest with spiritual issues, feel anger towards God. Others feel a thirst for ancient sources of nourishment but are put off by politics or dynamics within congregations. While others find their ways to approach study anew, exploring Psalms, Torah study, and/or siddur.

The following meditations I wrote to help me enter more deeply into my morning prayers. Use them or adapt them should they touch you.

Meditation before the first blessing of the Shema, Yotzeir Or:

Entering Your Garden: Opening Your gate of light:

Open my heart,
open my soul
so I can feel Your light shine upon me and
rise up from within me.

Meditation before the second blessing of the Shema, Ahavah Rabbah:

Opening Your gate of love:

Open my heart,
open my soul
that I may feel Your love
rise up all around me and
hold and embrace me this day.

From this place of loving, may You guide me in this new day of life.


When you lie among the sheep folds
the wings of the dove are covered with silver
and her pinions with the shimmer of gold.

Blessed be You Who day by day carries us.
You are our help.
You help us be.

Adapted, Psalm 68:14,20,21a

Take good care.

You may wish to prepare for the next upcoming holiday or check back with the 3rd month newsletter.

Gentle walking


Guide to Hebrew words:

Shivah: "sitting", first seven days of mourning, with special observances
Shloshim: "thirty", including shivah, also has special observances
Siddur: "prayerbook"
Yotzeir Or: "Who Creates Light"
Ahavah Rabbah:"Great Love"